Narrator: And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
I have this bad habit of falling for brilliant shows under-appreciated by the TV viewing public. Sadly, these shows are usually cancelled before their junior year. Arrested Development is one of those shows. My heart always skips a beat when a favourite show and a favourite hobby collide, as it did in when Michael Bluth and his nephew Steve Holt! competed in the Church And State Fair’s annual father-son triathlon. Michael’s actual son, George Micheal, wanted to enter the triathlon with his dad, but papa thought his odds were better with the “older, and … more manly” Steve Holt!. A cruel move explained when the narrator provides some historical context: Michael and his son had never made a good athletic team. The only thing that George Michael was good at was hanging motion-less from the monkey bars, which the President’s Council On Fitness ranks as “slightly easier than the slide”. Michael’s sole motivation for entering the triathlon was to prove his manhood to his girlfriend, believing she thought him a “pussy” (she did, but in the endearing British sense of the word, not the cowardly American sense of the word).
Unlike some TV athletes (Barney Stintson, I’m looking at you), Bluth trains, albeit following the always successful excessive last minute program. His athletic nephew Steve Holt! takes him through his paces and feeds him motivational pearls of wisdom such as “don’t ask can I?, ask I can!” and ”you can control your bladder when you’re dead” and ”no blood, no oil!” and the classic ”there’s no I in win”. This ramped up training was, in part, prompted by his own father’s lack of confidence in his ability to complete the gruelling event. Using his newly discovered Scared Straight scare tactics, George Bluth Senior questions Michael’s decision to compete: “Triathlon? Do you know how hard a triathlon is? People lose control of every bodily function. Didn’t you ever see that video [Note: I've helpfully inserted a less exciting clip hidden in a Gatorade commercial with a few of the finish line crash scenes contained in "that video"]? You’re not even in shape! You’re gonna fall apart in front of everybody.” Thanks dad.
Narrator: Chris Legh’s 1997 Ironman Breakdown
Finally race day arrives, but his workout binge has left Michael non-functional from pain. To ensure a win he bag checks his ethics and accepts a little illegal boost from Steve Holt! who ”got them from Coach; they’re filled with oxygen and it makes you incontinent. It’s called Oxy Incontin.” Narrator: Steve didn’t have that quite right. As they crossed the finish line Michael echos what so many before him have felt, “Believe it or not, that took about everything I’ve got. I don’t know what was in that pill, but I do not feel great.” Worth it? I think so.
Narrator: Michael and Steve Holt finished their triathlon in first place. Of course, they were way older. The water portion of the race took place in a kiddie pool. It’s Arrested Development.
Show Reference: Arrested Development, Season 3, Episode 4 “Notapusy”. Original airdate November 2005.
