I’m not at my best

I did it again. Another DNF.

I was super pumped up for the race. A little undertrained, but pumped. I was feeling a bit sick the day before, so I missed a workout. I went to the race a bit early and did three by a mile at my goal marathon race pace, nice and easy. Except it didn’t feel nice and easy and my stomach felt queasy. No biggie, I thought, you’ll feel good once the gun goes off.

We lined up our beer. Four cans, one for each quarter mile. Four beers, one mile. I wanted to PB, I wanted it bad. I used to be a champion chugger. But then I got old and stopped drinking. I wanted to recapture that misspent youth. I visualized funnels. I thought about my technique. I carefully selected the cheapest blandest beer available that met the 355ml and minimum 5% alcohol criteria (so Canadian, obviously, because who cares if you puke it up). I did everything but practice. I was really sort of ready.

The gun went off. I chugged my first beer and immediately realized I’d made a huge mistake. My stomach rebelled from the first sip. Loudly, actively protested. I soldiered on, ran my lap. Opened the second can and just a whiff made my stomach send all contents up my esophagus, only to rush back down again. And again. And again. I truly tried, but my body would not allow liquid to enter.

So I quit. DNF.

I tried to explain that I wasn’t beer mile sick, but sick sick. I don’t think anyone believed me. I used my two successful prior beer mile completions as proof I wasn’t a give-up buttercup. People gave me the types of responses you give when you don’t really believe someone, but you are agreeing to be nice.

Two days later I’m clutching a toilet as a days worth food expels from my mouth in a shockingly violent and horrific manner. I have been stricken with the flu or some illness that leads to puking and muscle aches in areas I did not know contained muscles. Like my eyelids.

I hurt, but I’m happy to report that I’m not a cupcake who can’t handle a beer mile. I just can’t handle the common flu.

Told you I was sick

Title: Spirit of the West – Home for a Rest. 1990.

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8 responses to “I’m not at my best

  1. I can’t “like” this as that would say I’m happy you were sick, which I’m not! You were gutsy to just go out there and give it a go. Think they should rename it “the Burp* Mile” hick*.

  2. Oh good grief! That sounds terrible! Hope you’re back to normal soon, and that you will someday be able to stand the taste of beer again!

  3. Oh geez. Hope you feel better soon. You can show them all at next year’s race.

  4. Yaaaay! And also: Oh noooooo. Nothing like a severe gastric episode to derail a beer mile. I’m impressed you made it as far as you did! Here’s hoping that next year’s revenge is sweet.

    • Beer was the fall mile, but we’ve got winter and spring drinking miles planned… And the next one may be my greatest challenge yet. I promise to take and post pictures if I puke ;).

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