Q. I’m running a tune-up race tomorrow and my back hurts for reasons that shall secretly remain a secret. Should I try the pain reliever patch a stranger gave me for free at a race expo three years ago even though it expired one year ago and spent considerable time in direct sunlight despite the bolded do not store in sunlight warning?
A. Yes, you should use the patch. Always trust free medical supplies distributed at race expos. The ingredient list is impressive in that most of the words are long and unpronounceable. If the patch burns do not remove it. That means it is working. If the patch itches do not remove it. That means it is working. If Husband notices a weird odor coming from the patch do not remove it. That means it is working. After up to but not exceeding eight hours of burning itchy smelly torture, the patch removal doubles as a back waxing. Win win.
Title: Bon Jovi – Bad Medicine. 1988.